Should Adoption Hurt?

I meant to write this blog post in November during national adoption month (actually I meant to write it LAST year during national adoption month, but who’s counting?), but I have 7 kids, and homeschool and all the excuses. So, here we are, in the middle of December, and I’m finally sitting down to write this. I’ll be really really honest. I’ve actually been putting this off because I’ve felt the prompting to write this for a while, but I haven’t wanted to because it’s hard. It is a little gritty. It will expose my heart a bit. It will show the not so pretty parts of adoption. It will be raw and maybe bother some people, and that’s not my favorite thing, but, I feel like if I don’t talk about the hard things of adoption who will? So, here goes….

A lot of you read the article that I wrote a few months ago where I talked about always knowing that I wanted to adopt. I always knew this would be part of my story, but I didn’t know that this part of my story would actually be what taught me the most about motherhood and be what sanctifies me the most. I’ve learned so very much in the last few years of this adoption/parenting journey. While I am no expert, I feel like it is super important to share a few things that I have learned. 

1. Comparing the adoption of the Bible to the adoption of your child, while good intentioned, can be very damaging. The idea that you, as the parent, are the same as the Savior of the World, that came to save the “lost” and “sinners” (who are the children that you adopted) can be a very confusing a damaging idea for your child. I don’t think that is ever the intention when that analogy is used, but it is still used so very often. I am for sure an adopted child of the King, but if my children hear me use that analogy, they may hear that they were broken and in need of a savior and clay and I were just that perfect savior coming to save them from the filth and wretchedness that they were, but now that they have our name, they are saved and perfect and everything will be fine. They also may hear that everything that made them who they are as a person is unacceptable because they needed to be “saved” from it and therefore they may question who they are supposed to be and who they came from.

2. Using the phrasing, whether you are the parent or an onlooker asking questions, saying “I adopted because I couldn’t have my own/biological/natural children and then all of the sudden I got pregnant!” Can be so damaging. I’m not adopted and I hear, “well, you couldn’t have biological (people have often phrased it when they ask me “your own.”) children so you just adopted (like it was plan b and it will have to do) and then you got pregnant which is best case! Again, this is probably not what these people mean. I pray to Jesus this not actually what happens, but we need to change this kind of narrative. Sometimes people don’t realize that adoption is an amazing option until the option of biological children is removed from the table BUT it should NEVER become an option just because having biological children has been removed from the table. Adopting a human being is a HUGE step and treating it like an afterthought because plan A didn’t work out is not wise.

3. Adoption should not be. No mother (or father) should not be able to parent their child. We live in a broken broken world. Our first adoption was through the foster care system. Clay and I were babies. I also worked in a community hospital as a pediatric nurse. I definitely had a higher opinion of myself than I should have. I saw so many saturations where I thought, “how in the world.?” “How could they?” “What is wrong with them.” There are definitely people that should not be parents, but I don’t think most people start out that way. I don’t think most people intend on being unfit parents or are enjoy being in a position to not be able to care for their children. For anyone to assume that they are innately better than someone else because they may not have been overtaken by addiction because of the road life has taken them down or to think you are better than the next person because they are unable to parent because they themselves were not parented and so they don’t know how to parent well and just want better for their children. Whatever the reason, if you are given the amazing privilege of parenting another parent’s child NEVER EVER speak poorly of them. EVER. That is who gave your child life. For that, if only that, be forever grateful and kind.

4. Keep talking. We made it a point, from the beginning, to never lie about any of our children’s story. When Cooper was placed Cole and Cooper looked so much like twins. They are only 25 days apart. We were constantly asked if they were twins. For the first few months I would just say yes so I could move on and get done what I needed to get done with 2 babies under one, but then I realized, one day, they will realize I’ve been lying all along and they’ll wonder what else I’ve been lying about. So! I just started saying, “no. One is adopted and one in biological, but they are 25 days apart” and I’d keep walking, hoping that would answer their question (it never did). As the years have gone on, as it is appropriate and as Cooper (Knox isn’t quite old enough to ask questions yet) ask questions, we answer them. When he was about 10, another kid asked him, “did your real mom give you away because she didn’t love you?” (Now, this is another blog post for another day, but teach your kids and yourselves the correct words to use in regards to adoption lingo, because it took every ounce of my self control to not mama bear rage on this child and her parents). Cooper quietly asked me on the drive home if “the mom who grew me in her tummy didn’t love me and that’s why she put me up for adoption?” These questions make your blood run cold, but I quietly prayed for words and asked Coop if he remembered when I was pregnant with his sister. He said yes. I reminded him how big and uncomfortable I got, how much work it was to get her out. I then told him that I had never met his birth mom, but I would assume that if she was willing to carry him for all that time, give birth to him and then know that God had the perfect family for him to be in that she must have loved him BIG! And if she loved him that big and if I love him more than I can even put into words and if God says he loves him even more than that, MAN, HE.is.loved! He sat for a second and then looked at me and said, “mom, I’m so glad my birth mom knew that I was supposed to be a Nettles and I’m so glad you are my mom and I’m so glad I am in this family.” (Cue all the ugly tears) Then that was it. He want on his 10 year old self way. Just keep the communication open and honest.

5. Allow yourself, as the adoptive parent to feel the feels, but remember, it’s not really about you. I tell people now, when they ask me about adoption, that they need to do some real introspection. They need to be able for their child to come to them one day and ask to find their birth parents (unless they already know them because they have an open adoption, I’ll get to that in a minute) and for them to not feel rejected or as a failure as a parent. Here is the thing. They may come to you one day wanting to know where they came from and why they look the way they do and why they act the way they do. This doesn’t mean that they are in any way implying you were deficient as a parent or gave them a horrible childhood. As their parent you have to be able to allow yourself to be wildly uncomfortable and share the space of parent while helping the navigate the potential mess. You may want to and need to help them clean up some of the mess, but what I have learned (through my own counseling so I can better parent my children) is I can’t erase the potential pain for either of us. I have to be willing to sit in it with them, for as long as it may last, process it, so they can then become the people God intended them to be, with all the broken pieces of their story, with all the people, included or not, so they can thrive. If I’m not willing to make myself uncomfortable and not feel like they are implying they have to go find their biological parents because I am deficient in someway as an adoptive parent, and allow them to search and learn and grow, WITH me (and clay) by their side as their biggest cheerleaders I am not being the parent God has called me to be.

6. Open adoption is not impossible, but so very hard….and not just because of the birth parents (this is where it gets a little nitty gritty). So, Knox’s adoption story is a little different for a lot of reasons. One of which is we continue to have a relationship with his biological mom. If I’m being honest it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do (she does know this and she’d say the same about me =). It exposes my heart on a million levels. Here is the thing. Am I really pro-life if I say that I want these women to not have abortions, but don’t do everything in my power to empower them to break patterns in their life that have created a situation that they feel requires them to place their child for adoption (or have an abortion)? Am I really for my son if I don’t lay down what makes me comfortable for the idea that he can have a relationship with his birth mom and KNOW and actually FEEL that she loves him so much. There are obviously some serious boundary lines. Lots of talking. A serious amount of trust. Its a freaking mess at times. I’ve lost more sleep over this than anything else in my entire life. In the deep dark pit of the night, what can make it really hard is the whispers in my head of weird, for lack of a better word (because, trust me, I’ve searched high and low and open adoption is RARE) competition. Knox doesn’t have two moms really, but he does. I’m his mom, his every day, in the trenches, disciplines, provides, wipes his booty, holds him when he’s sick, rocks him, reads to him, cares for him mom, BUT there is another mom he knows and recognizes and sees, and I allow it. I also don’t actually have control over her and her choices. What if one day he chooses her over me? Clay doesn’t have a “father” figure that “competes” for his role. It’s an isolating position and makes you feel crazy and weird and sad. BUT then I am reminded, who am I to ever eliminate anyone that will love my baby. Especially the woman who gave him life and made me his mom. Another thing I learned in counseling (because adoption is a head trip) is two seemingly opposing things can be true and the same time and still be true, and that is what this is. So, for as long as a relationship with Knox’s birth mom is wise and healthy FOR KNOX that’s what we will do, even if it is hard for my very human heart.

So there it is….my few scattered thoughts on adoption. I’m sure they will change over the years and I’m sure some would disagree with me, but for now, this is where I land. I have always, for better or worse ( poor clay) just been a “what you see is what you get” kind of gal, so……..this is what you are getting…….Happy National Adoption month…….2 weeks late!

Is it all too much?

I read recently that our brains were not created to hold all the information that is at our fingertips via all the devices and modes of media we have accessible to us. I did a simple google search (so much info easily at my fingertips) and found that Medium.com says, “Our brains are not designed to record information accurately and objectively. Trying to take in too much information results in us becoming overloaded and overwhelmed. What’s more, we interfere with what our brains are truly great at —processing information and bing inventive and creative.” A tiny device, we can hold in our hands, can overwhelm us with every possible piece of info, debate, drama, tragedy, social injustice, conspiracy theory, gossip, etc. Are we overwhelming our hearts and therefore becoming ineffective?

I am not proposing that we stick our heads in the sand and pretend everything is hunky dory. Maybe, just maybe we set down our phones, turn off the T.V. quiet all the noise and evaluate if all of this information is making us healthier or is actually harming us. Over the last few months Clay and I have kept the news off of the T.V. I am very careful about what I click on in my newsfeed or on my instagram stories. I am not diluted to the world we live in. The tragedy, the social injustice, the human trafficking, the race issues, “the rona” as my kids call it, or any of the other bazillions of issues that are plaguing our world right now, but what I can tell you is I was becoming overloaded and overwhelmed with all the information. Therefore, I was ineffective in all of the things. Everything was so heavy. How can any of this be fixed? I am so insignificant, what in the world can I do other than be weighted down by it all.

So, this is what I have decided is best for me. I will choose what is my passion. What I will fight for. And it can’t be all the things, and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean they aren’t important to me, but I can only handle so much at a time or I will burn out and then I am no good for anyone. I will also not fight on a social media platform. I will be kind, NO.MATTER.WHAT. This does not mean I will not debate or stand up for what I believe in, but I will do it without attacking another human being, and I will do it in person. I will be kind, dammit. I think that is what I have been so saddened by in all of this unrest. In standing up for other humans and their rights, whatever it is, whatever side you are on, we have become calloused and mean. How does attacking another human help anything? It does not unite or teach anyone anything other than spurring on more hate.

Another thing I always come back to is, no matter how insignificant I think I am and my voice is in all of this, I have seven tiny humans that look to me. If I am drowning on constant, hard, heavy info, what do I have left for them? How will I train and raise them up to be better? Parenting is a full time job, I can not be sidetracked by every rabbit trail on social media that sucks me into a deeper darker place. What I can do is talk to my children. Train my children. Teach them they have a voice and power. Teach them to speak up for those who cannot. Teach them to use their amazing brains to not be overloaded with information, but pick their passion and be “inventive and creative” to solve the problems.

In our house a HUGE passion of ours is foster care/adoption. We believe that EVERY life matters. My mom started a crisis pregnancy center after my older sister was stillborn at 20 weeks. My mom looked at Audrey and recognized she was a perfectly formed, precious human. (This is not meant to be a political post or a debate, this is part of my story.) I grew up being taught that every life matters, inside or outside of the womb. That, then, gave me a vision for what that means after a birth mom chooses life. I can’t be passionate about being pro-life if I am not willing to then come along side these parents that have chosen life and do more. I knew as a young child I was going to be a foster parent and adopt….that has directed our path as a family. Our kids see us walk this out every day. They see it doesn’t just mean we adopt, but we have even chosen to have an open adoption with Knox’s birth mom because her life matters also. It also has opened up new passions and avenues of learning because Knox is a person of color. We are learning, we are fighting, we are advocating for him and others. BUT we are also being careful with what we read, who we listen to. Is it true (not sure about y’all, but that’s really hard to figure out these days), is it just, is it commendable?

On the days you get bogged down, I implore you to put down your phone, take a deep breath and figure out what work you will actually do. How you will do it. Maybe that means going to a protest. Maybe that means figuring out how to be the solution to end human trafficking. Maybe it is talking and training your kids daily to raise baby world changers. Do it in a way you would want someone to teach and educate you…..At the end of the day, as best you can, be KIND and show GRACE. I get it, people are a** holes a lot of the time, especially behind a screen. Block them or walk away, do not cast your pearls before swine. Those kind of people don’t want to be educated, they just want to fight.

I’m not exactly sure who will read this, or why this has been on my heart all day, but just remember, you are significant, your life does matter, you do have value and we can all make a difference in this wild world if we look up from our screens once in a while and look at the humans we actually want to make this world better for.

A few tips if homeschooling is on the horizon.....

So, hopefully, for whoever is reading this, you know that I do not come from a place of expertise or illusion I have this all figured out. I come from a place of trial by fire, maybe this will work, maybe it won’t, let me watch and learn and try and try and try and try again. I’m about to enter year nine of homeschooling and, in God’s sense of humor, no year has been the same. There is no coasting in this homeschooling journey (yet…probably ever), because life just keeps changing and morphing. Kids keep growing, we keep adding kids (not anymore…we done…), business changes, pandemics come, hurricanes, moving…..when I write this I’m convinced Jesus is surely coming back! Anyway, my hope in the next few blog posts is to organize a few thoughts, things I’ve learned along the way, curriculum that has worked for us and just generally develop a helpful resource for some of you that may be embarking on this new journey of homeschooling thanks to these wild times. My heart is for Mamas to not only survive this season of life, but enjoy it. Ironically, I’ve learned I have to be intentional about this or the days slip by with me in a robotic, grumpy trance just surviving each passing minute.

So! for this blogpost, I’m going to just give you some things I’ve learned in the last 8 years that have helped me IMMENSELY each homeschool day. I’m planning to attach the core curriculum I use in the resource section of this blog and also on my instagram page…but let’s be real, I have 7 kids and am technolicially challeneged, so we’ll see how that goes.

OK! so here goes……

• Start and end each day with the mantra, “I’m doing the very best that I can do.”

  Ya’ll, This past year we have been thrust into situations that have no real good answer. We are just doing the best that we know how to do to keep our families happy and healthy in a bizarre time. Throw in the fact that no matter what decisions you make regarding your family, if you have any kind of social media access someone or some post will surely, at the least, make you question that decision, at the worst, someone feels like they have the authority to call you out and rip you a new one…..not sure how we signed up for that when we downloaded the insta and just wanted to see funny memes and pictures of friends, but that’s the world we live in. So! Wake up, know you are doing the best you can do, give yourself (and your kids, and your spouse) grace upon grace upon grace and get moving. Check the mom guilt at the door and get your butt in gear.

• Have a plan and a schedule.

  I am good at flying by the seat of my pants, but man! I love a good routine. The only way you will survive is to have a plan and stick to it. That will look different for every family. Some do better waking early and getting things done, some do better having a slow morning and being more productive later in the day. Neither is better or worse, just whatever makes your fam flow better. For us, we get up, do morning chores and get moving. That means I have to get up earlier so I can down the liquid gold that is coffee and and calm the inner momster before the kiddos emerge.

• Make clear expectations of what is expected of all the humans.

  This kind of goes along with the last one. When each kid wakes up, we have established before hand what is expected of them. Pinterest is full of charts for kids (and parents) to stay on task. In our house, everyone gets up, gets dressed, does basic hygiene, cleans their space, eats breakfast, cleans up breakfast and is ready to start school by 8:30. If they don't do what is expected each morning, that’s fine with me, they just lose allowance money. Clear expectations WITH consistent follow through of consequences is necessary. Once you get into a routine it really does flow well and things just get done. I have lists for the kids for everything. Schoolwork that needs to get done, how to clean their room, how to clean the kitchen, how to take a correct shower (y’all kids are weird). Clear expectations means they can be held accountable without excuse. This will serve them so well as adults. Now! This does require training. For every list you will have to teach them a few (a million) times so they know exactly how you expect things to be done.

• Make time to train and transition.

  Training takes time. This all won’t fall into place over night. Pick one or two things to focus on each week as you settle into a routine. So, maybe, work on morning routine for a solid week and don’t worry about anything else (except maybe showering….the stench that comes off of my middle schoolers is other worldly). Have grace, be patient and remember that consistency WILL pay off, but don’t expect perfection immediately (or ever actually), just keep working until they realize this shiz is here to stay.

• Forget multitasking.

  I think their is some ingrained superpower that emerges when you become a mom. This wild ability to multitask. I am the queen of it….to my detriment. A few years ago I realized that I was killing myself trying to do all the things all the time. I felt like a ping pong ball, on crack, being bounced around the room, never really making any headway. ESPECIALLY while homeschooling you have to focus. Stop trying to do the laundry, check insta, return emails, pay bills, finish the dishes and teach your kid to read. You can’t, and all that happens is you end up frazzled and angry. So, once your routine is set in the morning, plan to start school and only do school. Put your phone away, try and turn away from the to do list and engage in only school. You will get done quicker and accomplish so much more in a shorter time period.

• Be realistic about time frames.

  I think, as moms, trying to also educate our kids at home, we assume that if school doesn’t take us seven hours we must be failing our kids (I have thought this). This is dumb. We are not in a classroom, we are not trying to educate 27 kids at a time, we are not dealing with behavior issues (that’s a lie, we are, just not with a classroom of kids), our transition time between things is less. Homeschooling will take less time. As a rule of thumb, the time a “non reader” needs with me is about 2 hours (that would be all their school other than a few worksheets they can do alone to feel independent). By third grade to fifth grade, I usually spend another 2ish hours with the child and then they have a list of what they can do independently, I check that, and once that is done they can go about their day. By 6th grade, the kids know what they need to do, I help with any concepts they don’t understand, I check to make sure they are doing their work well and it’s correct, but the hands on teaching is much less. I want my kids to be independent. I want them to be teenagers that become adults that don’t need to be hand held into every situation. I want my kids to be problem solvers. We start school at 8:30 and I need to be done (other than a few checks for bigger kids) by 1:30. I cannot be a kind teacher much longer than that. Doing school all day will just make you and your kids hate it.

• You are the parent. You know what is best for your kids.

  As you navigate this “new normal” remember that God chose you to be you child’s mom, no one else. God knew you would be the best mom for your kids. Don’t look over your shoulder and second guess yourself. You know your kid. If you feel like something isn’t working, revamp, don’t give up. School doesn’t come as easy to my middle daughter as it does for my boys. Its hard for her. I’ve had to try and revamp and try and revamp with her to find what works. What makes her successful. You know what has helped the most….me looking at her and no one else around her. I stopped comparing her to other kids and worrying. When she was four and didn’t know her letters well, a good friend (a really creative a super successful friend) looked at me and said, “don’t break her.” I was so confused, but he went on to say that you cannot teach the creativity that is in her little body, but you can make her feel dumb and less than and that will stifle the creativity. Let her be her and don’t make her fit into the box someone else constructs for her. I remember that every year when I, inevitably, start to question my choices for her. Then I remember, I know her, I’m her mom and I know what will crush her and what will make her succeed. So, we change up the math, read and read some more, and then I let her create.

• Keep it simple

  Ok! last one for now. You do not need 497 boxes and subjects to check. I am not an unschooler, and we follow a curriculum, but honestly, especially when they are young, make sure they get some math, learn their letters and how to write them, learn how to read and then just read. Its wild how much children can learn with directed reading. Again, I’m all for other subjects, just not busywork. We def take more of a one room school house approach in our house. I read out loud a lot to my kids (all of my kids, big and little) and I also have my big kids help teach my little kids. Isn’t that a sign of mastery of a subject? Cooper is a genius when it comes to animals (mostly reptiles….vomit). You know how he learned most of his info, not from me or a worksheet, he learned by reading and then experiencing and then going back and researching some more. Let your kid lead. Let them experience delight directed learning. Again, we follow a curriculum, my kids are used to what is expected of them, but sometimes, especially now, as you transition into this homeschooling thing, keep it super simple and slowly add things as you get settled in the last. Nobody will become a master chef overnight, they have to slowly add skills and techniques and get better and better. You can’t be an expert all at once.

• Give yourself grace.

  Ya’ll, you got this. I’m in your corner. I saw a meme yesterday (lord Jesus their are still a few left on the insta) and it said something to the effect of “don’t make other people think you are awesome, but that if you can do it, so can they.” That is a very loose translation, but basically, if I can do this…..you more than certainly can. It will take some thought, work and discipline, but you CAN do this and you CAN do this well!!!

I Want To Be A Eunice

I meant to write this at the beginning of the year, but you know, #7kids. Better late then never! So, here goes…

I’m not big one New Year’s Resolutions. I mean, I really don’t need one more thing to remind me that I’m failing on a daily basis. A friend asked me a while back if I was competitive, while the answer is a resounding YES, I started to think, while I am competitve, I’m more competitive against myself. For example, if someone were to say, “you can’t do that!!” Come hell or high water I’d try my hardest to prove them wrong…could explain the fact I have 7 kids. While this can be helpful at getting all the things done in a day, it can also be crushing. It can be crushing because their are many a day where I lie in bed at night and wonder, “did I actually accomplish anything today?” Between the wiping butts and noses, laundry, cooking, cleaning, driving all over kingdom come, and educating tiny humans, did I do anything of substance? Did I make a difference in anyone’s life today? Did I do anything of value? If I look at the behavior of my children I should prob throw in the towel now…..I’m fairly convinced my three year old is demon possesed. She has been next. Level. I think this is the curse of motherhood (or maybe just being human), guaging your success by what is right in front of you….in my case, this is not helpful!!

This year our church is going through the book of 2 Timothy. I grew up in the church. I’ve read 2 Timothy many times, but something struck me a few weeks ago in the sermon. Our pastor talked about Timothy’s upbringing. You know, the man that the Apostle Paul said he loved “as a son,” the man who helped to grow the Kingdom exponentially, a mighty, significant world changer. What shocked me was that it is clear in 2 Timothy that Timothy was brought up by his mother Eunice and grandmother Lois. This is what Paul says of these women. “I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.” 2 Tim 1:5. For whatever reason, he was fatherless. Back then, that would have made him a marked man, of no use in society, but these women had such faith, a faith that was so strong Paul attributes Timothy’s ability to serve next to him as a result of this faith. In the eyes of the world he lived in he should have been a useless human, and yet look at what God did with him, because of his mother and grandmother.

This was a sweet, gentle reminder at the beginning of the year. Often a time for a restart or refresh. My work is of value. I am making a difference each day, with each load of laundry, with each meal I make, with each interaction with my children. I am a world changer because of the little worldchangers I am raising. On the days when I feel like I accomplished nothing, I will remember that I have accomplished much because I am right where God wants me, for now, in my home, with my little people. And while I fail every day, I know (and pray) that God is working through me to raise my babies to be a Timothy because I was like a Eunice. So take heart mamas (or anyone) rest where God has you, find joy in the mundane and have faith.

Be the Change

I feel like I go through seasons where I feel like I have nothing pressing heavy on my heart that peope would want to read about, and other times my mind is swirling with so many things, I just can't quite find the time or words to write them. I'm currently in the latter state, but for now, I'll write what is currently most pressing, more for me to process, but also because it is maybe the thing I am most passionate about. 

I have been watching bits and pieces of the situation unfolding with a little boy that was in foster care. He was returned to his bioligical mother and allegedly killed by her. To be honest, other than snippets I've seen on the news and the statement by the foster parents, I havent let myself dig much deeper. My heart cannot handle it. Maybe because I have spent years in or around foster care or maybe because my newest, precious son looks quite a bit like him. But as I occasionaly let myself go "there" and remember what I've seen as a pediatric nurse, former foster parent, adoptive parent and just parent in general I feel like I cannot keep silent.

Our family would not be what it is without the "system." My sweet Cooper is a direct result of the foster care system. He is MY son because of this very broken, but necessary system. To me, maybe the worst part of this fallen world. We need a government agency to decide if a parent is fit or not, to decide if ripping a child away from their biological parents is safer than placing them in a strangers home....hopefully, if their is a strangers home available. If their are enough people to enter this very very broken process, to open themselves AND their children up to pain. It is necessary, but so sad. Their will be pain, no matter the outcome, their will be pain. That is the first thing I tell people who ask me about foster care and adoption. You are entering a system that is beyond broken, at times you will be broken, the children you love for a season or a lifetime will be broken, the biological parents will be broken, their WILL be pain. Here is the thing, that pain and the fear of pain (it is oh so real, the fear for me can be paralyzing) is NOT a reason to not do this hard thing. Clay and I have been broken over and over by outcomes we wouldn't have chosen, but we re-enter the hard because, just because it is hard or painful, doesn't mean God hasn't called us to it. 

I feel with full conviction and no apology, that every human is called to this effort. This humanitarian effort. I get that you may not be called to foster or adopt personally (I'll be honest though, I think waaaaaaay more people are equipped and ready and capable and just don't like the idea of being "inconvenienced" or having extra work or whatever the excuse may be...yes, feel free to be offended and mad at me.) but their is so much more you can do. Find a foster family. Can you provide them a meal on a day when they have a court date. Offer to babysit any or all of their kids. Offer to be an uber driver for all the activities so the adoptive/foster parent can be freed up to go to a dr or therapy appt. Find a case worker that is probably so burnt out working tirelessly to make a difference only to be berated, beaten down, and yelled at by either a bioligal parent or a foster parent. They have an impossible task of protecting these babes while also making sure parents have the chance to be parents. Be the the hands and feet!!! Get in the trenches. 

Last year a child asked Cooper, "did your mom give you up for adoption because she didnt love you??" By God's grace, after that question, he rode home with me alone, which rarely happens. As I drove home he asked me, "did my mom not love me, is that why she gave me up for adoption?" i literally almost broke. Like my head was spinning and my heart was breaking all at once. I looked at my precious, brilliant, kind, perfect boy who came from an oh so broken situation and prayed. I told him that I have never met his birth mom and that she definitely had made some bad choices in her life, BUT she carried him to term and had a c-section to deliver him . I asked him if he remembered when I was pregnant with Rose and how uncomfortable I was and how painful it was to get her out. He said yes, and then he said, "she could have had an abortion right?" (This is not a political blog post, I won't debate this issue on any form of social media. The only thing I will say is I have been told many a time how awful I am for being pro life, BUT no human will ever convince me otherwise, primarily because MY children are here because their moms chose life when they could have just as easily disposed of them, but I GET to be their mom and I will forever be in their debt for the love they chose to show to OUR children to let them live.) I said yes, bud, so, no matter the choices your birth mom made she loves you, and more than that who loves you? "God." Yes, infinitaly more than anyone on this earth could. God has a mighty plan for your life and CHOSE you to have this story. I also reminded him that Clay and I could not love him more along with his siblings and more people than he could count. As I pulled into home I asked him if he had any other questions or if his heart still hurt. He said (in such a 10 year old boy way) "nope, I'm glad my birth mom knew I was supposed to be a Nettles and I'm glad she let you be my mom. I wouldn't want to be in any other family. My heart doesn't hurt anymore." Sweet baby Jesus.... I had to stay in the car for a hot minute to compose myself. 

Here is the thing. Every one of those babies in the "broken" system is screaming for love. They deserve it, we as humans owe it to them. I'll be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. So many people feel comfortable sitting behind their keyboard ranting and raving about all the things. I'll be honest, most people, I roll my eyes at because if, you aren't willing to make yourself uncomfortable to fight the cause you are so comfortably typing about on your keypad I don't want to hear it. I tell my kids all the time, I don't want to hear you complain about something unless you've tried, in some way, to fix it. Have a cause, be passionate about it, but DO something, don't just talk! 

I feel like a lot of this is rambling from a heart that is broken, yet still called. We can't foster anymore because of the size of our fam, but we will forever be a part of the system and coming along side those in the trenches. No matter who you are, married, single, have kids, are grandparents, find a way to be the difference in this broken system. Babies should not be dying. Babies should not questioned if someone in this world loves them. One of my favorite Bible verses (Luke 12:48) is "to much is given, much is required." That is me, I have been given so much, I am so grateful to be called to be required much.  You have much.....give much.

Disclaimer: Knox was not part of the "system". His birthmom loves him more than he will ever fathom (more than I can fathom). She is an amazing mother who took amazing care of him, but knew and CHOSE for him to be in our family because she felt we could give him a life that she, for now, cannot. She will forever be a part of our family. She is a hero, she is my hero. She gave me a son and allowed me to be his mother and I pray every day I can live up to this mighty calling. Step in, do the uncomfortable, love others....our family is better and bigger thanks to our sweet baby boy and his birth mom who we now love as family. 

Pray Wrecklessly

So, I've had lots of requests for our adoption story, but, honestly, it all happened so fast that we are all still processing it all. Also, I want to be sensitve to the birth mom and her story, it is not mine to tell. So, as we adjust to our new normal, I'm going to wait a bit for the whole long story. Until then I decided to write about something that has been on my heart for a while and has exploded in the last week. I'll be honest, it will probably be as fragmented as my life seems to be lately, but here goes....

As evideneced by my week, we live a wild life. Here is the thing, while from the outside looking in it looks crazy, in my heart of hearts it has been awe inspiring. This week was the culmination of so much of what I have prayed for for a very very long time. As a young girl I always felt called to missions, but also to being a mom. I didn't know how those two things would mesh, so the pragmatic side of my brain just kept on moving and kept on praying. I thought I was being called to medical missions so I went into nursing school, often a nurse in a third world country is just as valuable as a doctor. Then I met Clay, and while he is completely missional minded God took us in a way different direction. I often struggle with are the things I think I want and pray for really what God has in store for me, so Clay went to seminary, I worked as a pediatric nurse, we started having babies. 

That's where the first crazy answer to prayer came. Since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to adopt even if I could have kids. I also felt super called to have a mixed race family. No idea why, as a 12 year old girl, I had that random desire, but I did. Also, when Clay and I got married we both felt like we would have 7 kids. Psychos, I know.  Clay and I were foster parents before we had Cole. We actually almost adopted a sweet little hispanic baby, but at the last minute it fell through (a whole other long story). We rested in God's plan, had Cole via emergency C section and 5 weeks later, after a week long stay at the hospital for pancreatitis, I had my gallbladder removed. We felt like we needed to put our foster care license on hold for me to heal from two major surgeries and adjust to a new baby. Fast forward 10 months and I get a call from a foster mom who was also my co worker who says, "hey Megan, do you want to adopt a baby??" ummmmm. I told her I'd have to talk to clay (looking back, this is so laughable). Obviously, God is so good and their is so much more to the story, but that's how Cooper became a part of our family. He was just supposed to be a Nettles. Our first adoption, a son, 25 days younger than our other son. Not sure why I continue to be surprised by the author of my story, but I still am.

As we continued to grow our family, we decided to move to St Augustine because Clay and I felt like the mission field God was calling us to was actually our family. I think as Christians we often forget this. Our families and our children are where it all starts. We knew if we wanted a large family and to possibly adopt again St Augustine was where it needed to happen. Our family continued to grow. A year and a half before I got pregnant with Rose we STARTED the process to be re-licensed as foster parents. This is where I will interject that the foster care system is broken. It is broken for so many reasons, but, I think, mainly  because we live in a broken world. It is painful to be part of, it is painful to watch. IT is a mission field. We ended up getting pregnant with Rose 6 months after being licenced and when you have 5 kids in your house you cap and the state won't place with you anymore children. We felt like that was God closing the door. Another time when I felt like maybe my prayers were more of what I wanted and not what God really had for my story.

Before Rose turned one we were approached about adopting a sibling group. After a long, heart wrenching process that also fell through. I'll also interject here that Clay and I pray pray pray about welcoming children into our home. We do not take it lightly. We also don't take the responsibilty of the children God has put in our home now lightly. So, with each "prospect" we talk with our kids and pray and talk and pray. To be honest, all of this will be a part of our children's story and we don't take that lightly. A huge reason we decided to have another baby was because each on of our children begged for another sibling, how precious to be a part of a people who loves their people so fiercely.

After our miscarriage in December we felt like our family wasnt complete. I knew having another baby meant us adopting again was most definitely out of the cards for us. That's where our adoption story starts....but we'll get to that later. Fast forward to last week and I sit in awe of the story God continues to write. Somehow, as a 12 year old girl I prayed for such a wildly specific crazy life and here I am, 23 years later, living it. I'll be super honest. Most days I feel completely and totally ill-equipped and unqualified for this calling God has called us to. To rear these hearts to guide them, to teach them, to love them, to point them Jesus, to be real with them and to be transparent about this painful beautiful life they will lead. It is heavy, honestly overwhelming most days, but if i've learned anything in my 35 years, it's that my prayers are heard and so the prayers for each one of my babies (including the mama's that birthed some of my babies). 

This actually wasn't at all what I thought would come out. I was planning to talk about my big boy babies heading to Haiti in a week for their first mission trip and my hope for them, but I guess that's for another night. My hope for whoever reads this is to pray wildly and expectantly. Don't pray for easy or pain free or simple. People tell us we are amazing and they couldnt do it. 1. Yes you can. Be the difference in one person's life. Say yes to things that scare you. 2. We are not amazing, most of the time we are terrified, but sometimes, saying yes and moving forward is life changing and so worth it. I will be honest, this life we have chosen is hard and exhausting and doesn't leave a ton of time (or money) for what most desire in this life, but what this life does give us is unspeakable joy. The children God has put in our family, biological and adopted, are not lucky to have us, we are humbled and in awe that we get to be their mommy and daddy. So pray big, but be careful, because God is listening!

Bonus Parents

I know this is going to come as an enormous shock to you all, but raising kids is a lot of work. Like the hardest work. These little people you created come out and immediately require you set most of your wants and desires on the back burner to just keep them alive. Add in a culture that lives life through the perfection of social media, the inability to listen well, and a tendency to be isolated while still having deep knowledge of how everyone else is doing all the things right, parenting can suck. As I write this I realize I often make parenting look like a terrible form of torture in the beginning of all my blogs. sorry. not sorry.

I was reading a book recently and the author brought up the idea of bonus parents. The idea is that families do this raising kids thing together. On the day when one mom is sinking under the pressure of daily life the bonus parent swoops in with some kind of relief, whether it be taking the kids for a few hours, bringing (buying) dinner, or just coming over to get in the trenches. She also described how, in her life, it meant that she felt comfortable having the bonus parent "parent" her kid while she wasn't there. She felt confident that her bonus parent loved her child like her own and in turn could discipline them as her own. It also allows for a village of people to celebrate when big life things happen and to support you when life gets hard. I read this a while back and let it sit for a bit. My conclusion. GENIUS!!!!

Now, in our day and age I think these kind of relationships can be hard to find. It's hard to be transparent with people. This means you have to let them see your good, bad and ugly and you get to see theirs. A lot of times this can result in some serious pain. People are hard. People hurt you. People think of themselves over others. Finding the bonus parents is the hardest part, but I don't think God intended for us to do this part of the life journey alone and isolated. In my life I've been blessed with a couple relationships that have stood the test of time. One in particular I've had since I was 13. I've done more life with her than I've done with my husband. At this point we're stuck with each other...we've done too much life together to throw it away. I'm so grateful for this. I know that I can be an utter butt head to her and she won't ditch me, she might have a few choice words for me, but she'll still be there. As a result our husbands are now super close and living life together is just a thing. Our kids think they are cousins and are shocked when we even try to argue that we, in fact, are in no way related.

Here is the thing. In order to do this, you have to be intentional. Like I said being friends with people is work. In a culture where receiving correction or even having a different opinion then someone else usually means you will be berated, being honest and transparent can be terrifying. It can also be life giving. Here is the hard part. It's hard for me to hear others correct my kids, I mean, I know they are jerks, but I don't really need someone else to tell me that. It's hard for me to have friends, even when they are coming in love, tell me my child is struggling with something. But here is the thing, I can send my kids to a handful (my village) of friends houses and know they will be loved, they will be corrected when needed, they will be fed (maybe), and hopefully, as they get older, if things come up that my kids don't feel comfortable coming to me with, they can go to their bonus parent for council. What a relief to know Clay and I are not in this thing alone. 

Also, be honest. For example, we don't spank, so, if my kid is hanging at their bonus parent's house I would expect they wouldn't spank my kid either....this is where living life together helps because you just know how your friend parents. Honestly, thats probable why you work as friends...you kind of do things the same.

So, mommas, take heart. Be intentional, be transparent, open your heart, be brave, be patient, allow others in and be real....find that bonus parent (or parents) you can do life with and find joy and rest in it. Also, it really helps if they love wine. Just saying.

Loss and Hope

In one of my previous blog posts I talked about my amazing trips to Haiti. My primary reason for going was to implement a program for expecting mothers in the area to increase their health and in turn increase the health of their baby. Our end goal would be to end the cycle of malnutrition and preventable disease in future generations. 

One of the women that was chosen for our program was a 28 year old woman named Berthelus. She had had 8, EIGHT, failed pregnancies. She delivered at 7 months, 8 months and 9 months....all still born babies. It is so much to process. So much pain and loss at such a young age. Add in the culture that teaches that if many bad things happen its probably voodoo. It's you. It's your fault. 

On the last day, we got to meet the women, assess them, educate them, give them supplies, love on them. Our program offers 5 women in the community a year of supplements and food, weekly. This food is so valuable in that it, for these women, costs about what a monthly wage would be for a good paying job in the area. Their are not many good paying jobs in the area. We were also able to use a doppler, that we brought, to hear their sweet babies heartbeats. Berthelus went last. When she laid down Christa searched for the heartbeat. Nothing. Everyone in the little storage closet area where we were performing the exam held their breath and prayed. After trying for a while we all knew what had happened. We decided to take Berthelus to the hospital to make sure our diagnosis was correct and that she could get the care she needed if the baby still needed to be delivered. I got in the bed of the truck and prayed. About halfway to the hospital Shannon stopped the truck and called me over. Berthelus told her and Vero that she had lost the baby the Thursday before. It was a girl. She was so ashamed and embarrassed and didn't know how to tell us. My heart broke into a million pieces. I looked into her eyes and told her "I have lost 2 babies. This is not your fault. You did not do this. This is not voodoo. You are not broken. This is not your fault." As Shannon translated for me Berhelus' eyes widened. She had never heard these words before. No one had told her. How? This was here NINTH loss. How can she not know this....

On Christmas Eve I had my third miscarriage. Clay and I weren't actually trying to get pregnant, but we could be the poster children for abstinence is the only way to not have babies. We were shocked at first. Honestly, I was more concerned about what people would think and all the jokes that would be made about us once the news that we were expecting got out. Then I lost the baby.  My first two miscarriages, before Cole, I was in a horrible head space. God worked so hard on my heart and broke me. I'm so grateful for that excruciatingly painful season. It required that I fix my eyes on the Lord and have a greater hope for eternity. This time, as I processed the loss of our third baby, I just kept thinking of Berthelus. Her story. I debated telling this part of my story. Then, as I prayed and processed this third loss, multiple things I read and a recent sermon I listened to talked about embracing ALL of your story. When I lost my first two babies I was so sad and embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep a baby safe an healthy inside of me. I was embarrassed that I couldn't give my family their first grandchild and clay is first child. I felt broken. This time I knew. I know that God chose this child for such a time as this. He or she's short sweet life was not to be forgotten, he or she is part of my story. 

I write this to any woman that is suffering loss. To remind her that you are not alone, but to also remind her that this is not your fault. It is not because you are broken. This is part of your story. A painful part, but still a part. This is forming you into the person God has intended you to be. Their is hope. Their is joy in the morning. So, as we enter this new year, my prayer is for joy. For rest and for peace. For a hope that rests in the joy and peace that one day, I will be able to meet my three sweet babies and maybe, just maybe Berthelus' nine sweet babies. That is where I will rest. 

If you plan of having more than one kid, here is some advice for you!

So, I've been around the block a few times with this whole kid thing. I've learned some valuable lessons along the way...In the giving spirit of Christmas I've decided to bestow on you a few things I've learned from having more than one kid. So here you go....if you are planning to have more than one kid let me save you from a few newbie pitfalls.

1. Monogram nothing! 

I don't know if it's a southern thing or a new mom thing, but their is a compulsive urge to brand every item of pottery barn/gymboree/gap baby thing you are gifted. Once you have more than one kid you already have trouble calling them by the actual name you gave them, but then make them walk around with a pink pottery barn backpack that used to be their sisters and you get some serious side eye. Also, let's just remember, the excitement of others for each additional human you add to your family lessens with each kid (by the fourth you may hear "you're having another one, don't you have enough?!?")....that means less pinteresty baby showers and way less goods, MONOGRAM NOTHING!

2. Pace yourself with the birthday party shenanigans.

With our first kids (by the time Cole was 1 we had adopted Coop....sorry kid, kind of stole your thunder in the one year old birthday department) we threw and exhaustingly enormous carnival party. It was supposed to be outside. It rained. Like downpour. Did I mention we invited 75 people, mostly adults. DON'T DO IT! Fun fact, my kids don't remember that party. You best believe when Jude looks at his 1st birthday party pics and realized he had a redneck pool party with walmart baby pools and hot dogs he's gonna need to add that act of unfairness to his list of issues to bring up with his therapist. So think it through.....I say take that money and go out with your friends and celebrate that you kept a human alive for a whole year!

I was rocking some serious mom hair and the boys were CLEARLY very excited about all the hoopla!

3. Plan your lies. 

Whoever came up with the tooth fairy or the elf on the shelf or even Santa actually probably hated parents in general. I'm fairly certain I've forgotten to play tooth fairy more than I've remembered. Our tooth fairy has a habit of hiding the money really well so only mommy can find it AFTER you have woken up. One time a kid lost a tooth and somehow it ended up under the stove (how?). The kid wrote a note and all and I still forgot. I scribbled a note and tucked it under the stove and told said kid the tooth fairy only goes where the tooth is....LIES. 

Let's talk elf on the shelf. From the pit of hell. I have more sleepless nights from sitting straight up in bed remembering I forgot to move the damn things. A few times the thing didn't move and I told my kids it was because they were so bad the elves were embarrassed to go to santa and tell him of the atrocities they had witnessed. Forget about Jesus kids, the elf is the one you should make sure to behave for....LIES.

We've shared with the big boys of all the lies and naturally gave them the responsibility of the elves. #delagating #winning

4. Make sure you can follow through

When we had Cole we felt like buying him a Pottery barn stocking the size of antarctica....supes cute. Even took classy JCpenny pics of him and sent out Christmas cards that said "we got Cole in our stocking for Christmas this year." Witty. Fast forward 10 years, I have 5 kids. Last year I gathered old socks, underwear and shirts that were stuffed in the bottom of their drawers (because they don't ever dig deep to find a new outfit) and packed those giant stockings full. Again, I'll just add that to the running list I have for their future therapist, but come on!!! Think longevity people....mini stockings for the win.

rookie mistake

5. Don't be Hallmark

A few years ago I got a Christmas tree advent wall hanging thing, monogrammed of course. Everyday from December 1 to December 25 I put in an activity for the day. I know, you can clap for me. Those first few years I had 25 activities printed and placed in that tree. ON MY GAME. This year, my ungrateful 10 year old informed me, "Last years advents were way more fun." Ummmmmmm....I had feelings of hate toward that kid. What, you mean you don't think reading a Christmas book is fun?!?!? Bye Felecia.

5. Don't make a baby book!

Cole has a super cute, creative memories, cut out all the photos and die cuts baby book. I could look and tell you the color and amount of his first poop. I just made rose's. It's a chatbook that I organized because I gave her a hashtag. A HASHTAG. That's a little better than Jude's...his shutterfly photo book has the wrong date on it. Whoops!

6. Eff pinterest 

Here is the thing. Pinterest is awesome for ideas and for dreaming and for when you want to feel really bad about yourself, but its not real, it's an alternate reality. I don't know what planet most of those people live on, but it's not one I've ever been to. Do the fun things, but be realistic. Kids are gross, their gonna be gross, if you want a perfect gingerbread house don't invite the little people. 

Before, during and after of messy memory making.

Here's the thing, in all these years of momming I've learned the hard way that the more pressure I put on myself the less fun everyone has...If I can learn to take a breath and enjoy this season I think we will all have better memories. So, take may advice, if you are planning to have more than one kid, Set the bar really low and you can only go up from there!!!